Conflict becomes negative when it escalates from a conversation into a full blown fight, and spouses become hostile towards each other, saying mean things and pointing fingers at each other.
They bring up past mistakes and use them to attack each other.
Knowing the six levels of validation as identified by Marsha Linehan, Ph. Being present for yourself means acknowledging your internal experience and sitting with it rather than "running away" from it, avoiding it, or pushing it away. Even happiness or excitement can feel uncomfortable at times.
Often one of the reasons other people are uncomfortable with intense emotion is that they don't know what to say.
It’s everywhere – and sometimes so subtle you don’t even realize it’s happening.
In fact, one definition of the so-called "borderline personality disorder" is "the normal response of a sensitive person to an invalidating environment" (Psychiatrist R. Laing said that when we invalidate people or deny their perceptions and personal experiences, we make mental invalids of them. He writes "...a history of emotion invalidation (i.e., a history of childhood psychological abuse and parental punishment, minimization, and distress in response to negative emotion) was significantly associated with emotion inhibition (i.e., ambivalence over emotional expression, thought suppression, and avoidant stress responses). So I give myself a time-out, I nurture my inner whiny child or nurse my wounds, allow myself to feel self-pity, then I remind myself how many blessings I have and try to do better.To adapt to this unhealthy and dysfunctional environment, the working relationship between his thoughts and feelings becomes twisted. We read books by smart people doctors, spiritual leaders, researcher, experts, etc. To learn more about something I know very little about from someone who is more knowledgeable than I? I believe no other person can MAKE you feel a certain way unless you let them.His emotional responses, emotional management, and emotional development will likely be seriously, and perhaps permanently, impaired. - people with more experience who were passing on their knowledge so that we could live a little smarter, maybe a little easier. So I learned many things: Moms mantra when we were upset was You can choose to be happy or choose to be sad, either way is a choice. If Im feeling stressed I try some different relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, turning up the radio super loud and singing in the car or dancing at home, count my blessings, or simply look at the beauty of the world around me.Invalidation In a healthy relationship, spouses should be able to share their feelings with each another without fear of criticism or put downs. It can take many forms from overt dismissal to subtle negation of feelings.Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon to find marriages where one spouse constantly puts down the thoughts, feelings and character of the other spouse. Saying things like “I didn’t ask you because I knew it would take you too long to decide” or “you’re too emotional.Validation is a way of communicating that the relationship is important and solid even when you disagree on issues.Validation is the recognition and acceptance of another person's thoughts,feelings, sensations, and behaviors as understandable. Holding someone's hand when they are having a painful medical treatment, listening with your whole mind and doing nothing but listening to a child describe their day in first grade, and going to a friend's house at midnight to sit with her while she cries because a supposed friend told lies about her are all examples of being present.Emotional invalidation wears you down, and in the long term has an extremely negative effect on self-confidence and well-being.Studies have shown that it increases the likelihood of problems such as anxiety, depression, and borderline personality disorder in adulthood, and is sometimes labeled as a form of emotional abuse.This is true for me – growing up, I was a sensitive kid and I cried easily.But instead of feeling supported in those moments, I was told that I was too sensitive, that I needed to stop crying, that I shouldn’t be upset.